Eating, The Manly Way

Let's face it.  Eating "healthy" sure doesn't sound manly.  It sounds like you're some pansy who's trying to watch their figure and stay trim.  Seriously, who wants to be all meek, skinny, and worst of all, weak?  Now there's nothing wrong with trying to lose a few pounds, but it just so happens that you're a man, and men should eat big, meaty, chunky meals that fill their belly and build big, strong, manly muscles.  How else are you going to move that massive weight?  The good news is that you can eat that masculine food you love, and still be lean, ripped, and BEASTLY.  

Oh, and to any women readers, there's no sexist nature intended in this article, it's all in good fun.  You can enjoy this food too, and get the exact same benefits, I promise.


So let's go over a list of the manliest, most heftily nutrient packed muscle building man foods we can find, and see if we can't figure out how to fill that plate with something big and meaty (and then maybe slip a few of those meager little veggies on the side...as if they'll even fit...HAR HAR.)


Beef:  Steak, ribs, burgers, veil, ground up, I don't care.  Beef is delicious, protein packed, and filled with so many nutrients that I won't be able to list them all here.  It's packed with B-12 and B-6, two vitamins that will aid in maintaining healthy metabolism and high energy levels, as well as assisting in central nervous system health.  We've already mentioned the protein, you'll get a LOT of it in every delicious, perfectly juicy bite.  Worried about the fat content?  Of course you're not!  And you shouldn't be, as every bit of fat in that beef is beneficial in some way.  Most of the fat is monounsaturated fat, the same stuff in olive oil!  The saturated fat is actually an EXCELLENT energy source, and may actually aid in losing weight, as it encourages your body to use fat as fuel instead of sugary carbs.  And contrary to popular belief, the saturated fat in beef isn't related to rising levels of bad cholesterol.  Pile a big fat steak on your plate and dig in, beef will make you BEEFY.

Whole milk:  That's right, we don't need none of that frilly "fat free" stuff, we want the whole, creamy, yummy, thick and refreshing kind of milk, the way nature intended it.  Every cup of whole milk is packed with 8 grams of protein from various sources including both whey and casein, and the natural sugars are great post workout to help those growing muscles suck up all those nutrients quick.  Mix in some whey protein and you've got yourself some of the most delicious drinkable stuff on earth.  And the fat?  It's the same deal here.  Saturated fat gets a bad rap, but when it's in its natural form it is actually quite healthy.  It will benefit blood lipid levels and is an AWESOME source of energy.  Pour a glass and be proud of that milk mustache.

Bacon:  OK....seriously...WHO DOESN'T LOVE BACON?  Thought you had to avoid it on a healthy diet???  WRONG-OH!!!!  Bacon is no less healthy than many cuts of chicken, turkey, beef, or any other meat you can think of off hand.  Sure it has some fat in it, but that fat, once again, is a great LOW CARB energy source that will both satiate you quickly and actually elevate your mood.  That's right, dietary fat makes you happy.  Before you complain that it can't be part of a clean diet, realize that there are thousands of people who've lost untold amounts of body fat while eating bacon almost every day.  Don't believe me?  Just do some online searching.  Bacon, like beef, is also packed with B vitamins, and DEM DER PROTEEEEEIIINNSSS.  I can hear those heavenly strips sizzling now, mmmmm.  Breakfast of the gods.

Eggs:  Fry 'em, scramble 'em, poach 'em, boil 'em, and PIG OUT.  Egg protein is one of the greatest sources of protein in the entire world, with a bio-availability in the high 90%'s when cooked.  That means your body can use almost all of the protein available in eggs with the upmost efficiency to build strong, lean muscle.  BUT, as manly as it may look, drinking raw eggs is a bad idea.  When left uncooked, egg protein only has a bio-availability of about 50%, so much of that protein is wasted in your body.  Plus, nobody wants salmonella.  You won't look too manly puking your guts out all night, right?  But seriously, eat those eggs.  Oh, and dietary cholesterol hasn't been proven to have nearly ANY effect on blood cholesterol, so don't worry about that either.  Sound good?  Great.

Sausage:  Awww yeah, brautwerst anyone?  Sausage comes in all shapes and sizes, with all sorts of fillings.  Sure, it's not the highest quality meat you can buy, but it's a great source of protein and has a lot of healthy fats in it as well.  Want something lean?  Go for the chicken or turkey sausage.  Want the tastiest thing this side of Neptune?  Get some biggun's packed with pork and beef, and pile them next to that big morning omelette.  I recommend eating sausage in moderation, but you definitely don't have to cut it out of your diet.  Just watch the sodium, as it can pile up quickly in certain kinds.  Also, look at the ingredients, and make sure as much of the stuff inside is stuff you can pronounce, preferably meat without additives.

Peanut Butter:  I eat this stuff by the spoonful.  Packed with healthy fats and Omega-6 fatty acids, peanut butter is the bomb.  It's an incredible source of healthy calories, especially when you get the natural, or "natty" stuff.  Natty PB brah...all the way.  In fact, the best peanut butter out there has the fewest ingredients.  While the general rule of thumb is to make sure there is NO trans fat in the peanut butter, you also generally want to avoid the stuff with "partially hydrogenated vegetable oils."  Those oils are used to make sure the peanut oil doesn't separate out of the butter itself, which is a pretty useless task unless someone is unbelievable lazy.  A little stirring might help those forearms develop anyway.  Brands I like are Teddie natural chunky, Smucker's natural, Jif Natural, Naturally More, and Power Butter.  Go ahead and have a couple tablespoons, and watch those muscles EXPLODE.

Spinach:  OK, you may be looking at me funny.  But hey, if it made Popeye a monster, it could do the same to you.  It's an aquired taste, but the aggressive flavor almost makes it manlier, right?  Try some light sauces or spices on it to make it more palletable, like mustard, salsa, cayenne pepper, curry powder, whatever floats your boat.  It's packed with vitamins and minerals, and will help you lose extra  body fat covering those shredded guns of yours.  Have a couple of forkfuls a day, and release your inner Popeye.

There you go you beastly dude you, eat up and get big, shredded, ripped, and NOTICED.  Enjoy your meat, your steak, your peanut butter, and those huge, giant, bacon filled omelettes.  Compliment any of these manly dishes with a side of veggies and you're in business.  You can eat healthy and retain your manhood, it's easy!  Now go eat some food, lift some weight, and growl at all the little meager folks cowering away from you.  You're a beast, and noone gets in your way.

GOOD LUCK DUDES!